you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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