He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
