i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
