the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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