you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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