WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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