I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
