these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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