My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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