remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
