If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
