im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
