Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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