I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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