i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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