i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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