My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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