It's Friday. Sex?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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