I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
