A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
