no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
