Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize