We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
