Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
