i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
