Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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