she smelled like a LAN party
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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