Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
