i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
