I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
