So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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