Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
