a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
