I wanna passion pit in your ass
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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