i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
