Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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