when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
