I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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