White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
