I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
