Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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