I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
