i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize