then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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