I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
