Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
