the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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