We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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