Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
