what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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