I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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