I didn't shave. On purpose
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
