My Higher Power is John Stamos
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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