A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
