Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There r osticjed everywhere
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
