No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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