I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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