I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
