yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
is wine microwaveable?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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