he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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