It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
