Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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