I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
