There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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