the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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