I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
