I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
